From The Heart - Body Image

Title: Judge me not by physical size or appearance, but judge me by the size of my character. 
 
5/20/11 - Revised 1/5/2013

“Judge me not by physical size or appearance, but judge me by the size of my character.”


Ever since I was born I have been teased. The teasing never stops. But why should I accept it? Why should I deal with it? Yet the only thing I should accept is my body. First off I’m not trying to make you pity me or feel sorry for me. In fact I feel like it’s time for me to tell the world to suck it. Ever since Elementary school I’ve been continuously teased for the way my body is. Now that I’m 24 I notice the teasing will never stop. I understand that it seems light humor for people to talk about my weight. Heck even I join in on the joke. I’ve found that there are other women who are dealing with the same issue and I feel the need to share my story. I know a lot of men are like oh great here’s another perfectly fine woman bitching about her weight. If you think that for one second then maybe you should read on and realize your just as much as the problem as the rest of the public.

Around May of last year my body started falling apart on me. I felt like I couldn't catch a break. After my sinus infection was cleared my digestive track started to wack out on me. Personally I think it’s because my immunity system was so low. I never had these problems before when I was on a continuous work out schedule in fact I only remember catching colds but never actually being sick. First off let me say thin women like me still need to work out on a regular basis not to be skinny but to have a good heart. I had stopped running so that I could actually gain weight. Let me talk about my body so that you can understand that I really don’t have a problem.

I am 25 years old, 5’ 3” tall, I’m 85 pounds, my wrist is 2.75” in diameter, my bra size is 30/32B, and my foot size is 5-5.5 depending on if I am wearing heels. I am a thin woman with an average breast size. If you’ve seen picture of me you would know that I am a skinny girl with big tits. Now I don’t have big tits I give the optical illusion that I have BiT (Big titties) but that’s just my body size emphasizing my chest size. This causes some people to make the assumption that they are fake. I even hear gossip from my friends telling me what some guy said about my boobs being fake (guys, really?!). They are not fake and they really aren't that big. Not only that but I am a petite skinny BiT. My hands are usually small; from the start of my palm to my longest finger is about 6 inches long and 3.5 inches wide closed.  I wear a size 00s in adult jeans and even then when they stretch out, they sag. I can go shop at the kid's store, but I'm a grown woman and I don't want to have to buy my clothes from a child's store. My body is so petite that if I ever take hard drugs or even prescribed medication it hits me quicker and harder than the “average” person.  I get sick if I take my birth control to close together, I get drunk as a skunk with 5 shots, and I still get drowsy with not drowsy Sudafed. I am normal for how I am built.

My immediate family are all slim in body mass but range different in high. We all work out and even run road races together. We are a family of Cross country runners. But I’ve always been a little of a black sheep when it came to running. I would only seriously train when I signed up for a race, but when I’m not training I hardly run at all. This is because I feel that I lose weight when I run. But there really is no proof of this because I have been able to maintain a weight size even while in training. I was even at my heaviest while running back in high school. People have been beating it into my brain for a while that it is my running that makes me skinny. Yet even when I stopped running and ate more to gain weight I still maintained my 87 pounds never going over but only under.

People have many jokes about my weight. I hear the same damn jokes over and over and over again and let me tell you they get fucking old. From:

• You need to eat a cheeseburger.
• Wow, a gust of wind could blow you away.
• God, your soo skinny, do you eat?
• Are you pregnant? I ask because you’re so skinny but your boobs are huge.
• Omg Val. Do you ever gain weight?
• Shit Val did you get skinnier? (Hate this one the most)
• Bitch needs to eat a chicken wing. 
• Girl needs to eat a plate lunch.
• You need to eat more.
• You don't need to work out you need to eat.
• Your soo TINY! OMG look at your wrists (Then they touch me and squeeze my wrist)
• THE LIST GOES ON...

I know my body is different from yours; I’ve lived long enough to know this. I do not need to be reminded every second of everyday that I am what I call “A kidnap-able weight.” That at any moment a stranger could pick me up and throw me in a van and I will have no power to stop them because I’m so light. Even though I joke about it myself it still does not mean I am not hurt by it. I seem like a freak of nature but the only thing people make me feel is like I’m not normal. I know what some of you are thinking, “Uh duh Val you aren’t normal.” But you’re wrong you are also very stupid. I am normal; I am genetically bred to be this size just like a human version of an Italian grey hound.  My wonderful parents met up had three beautiful hapa (Multiple ethnicity) girls who just happen to all have a genetic code which allows us to have high metabolisms and slim figures. We are normal we are not rare; there are other people out there like us.  My example is Jen an YouTuber who’s channel Frmheadtotoe recently made a video about body image. In the video she describes the pains of being a small Asian woman who deals with the rude comments about her body. (Frmheadtotoe - Body Image Video)
The only people who really know about my body image are my Family and friends. They are the ones who hear me bitch about how I can’t gain weight. They hear it every day and I know sometimes it can irritate them. It actually takes a visit to the hospital for me to realize how even a doctor is fucking stupid. Even though I am comfortable talking and joking about my weight with my mom, girl friends, and my boyfriend I can’t help but feel that anyone else should keep their thoughts and jokes about my weight to themselves. These people don’t have the slightest idea how their dumb words can cause people like me to do some stupid shit. As I have said before I had stopped running to gain weight and it back fired. I kept getting sick and even started to lose weight; it’s frustrating to try being someone I’m not, just to get people to shut up. Now I realize they never will because they don’t know any better. In May 2011 I went to the hospital to find out why my stool was not normal. Because at 4am I started have the cold sweats and painful bowel movements. I lost so much water and electrolytes that I was pale and weak. Unfortunately I also had to work that day. I couldn’t get anyone to cover my shift and even my managers that day one in particular was hard on me. I told her my condition that I might have to leave earlier and that my work today might not be at the top of my game. She was scolding me for folding on the floor and not on a table, but I couldn't stand up straight. I was too weak to stand for long periods of time and even felt faint on two occasions when climbing the bays. After work was over my co-worker grabbed me then told me that I looked really pale and if I was ok. She pretty much let me know that I really should get checked out cause the color was gone from my face.

I went in to the urgent care at Kaiser and gone into treatment. They ask me a bunch of questions about what was wrong and if I have any problems that I should let them know of. I should have said my only problem right now is with stupid people asking me about my weight. Because then they would have no reason to ask me the questions they did or say the things they did after I was hooked up to an IV and given morphine. I was against taking morphine because I’ve never been given it before and I was afraid my body would go all jello. I drove myself there and I didn’t want to drive home being all doped up possibly causing an accident. The doctor wanted to give me 4mm but the nurse figured for my current condition and body mass I should just have 2mm. I went with the 2, cause at least I would be able to normally function after the visit. Before they asked me the usual questions “Am I taking any medication?” and “Am I pregnant?” I said no but I am on Birth control and I’m pretty sure I am not pregnant. The doctor then told me they will take a pee test and some blood to figure out what was wrong and if I am pregnant. After they looked at my file and noticed my weight size. Of course they started to ask me questions like do I have problems with eating or if I’ve been eating regularly. Both the Doctor and the assisting nurse asked me the same questions on separate occasions.  I said I have no problems with eating and I asked why they would ask me that. Before they could finished their sentence I knew why they were asking me this. I said I know my weight doesn’t match my body and I know what it looks like but my entire family and I are all skinny for our bodies. I’m normal for my body. But even then they asked me to drink the water that they gave me in front of them to see if I could keep it down. I told the nurse I have Gatorade in my bag and would be happy to drink that instead. I finished my Gatorade before the IV went out. I later found out from the follow up that the antibiotics from when I had a sinus infection cleared out my digestive track causing all the good bacteria to die. They gave me more antibiotics and some other medication to help me correct my digestion.

I am sick and tired of people judging me for my body and not for who I am. I can’t stand doctors that don’t know me but read my file and think I have eating issues. I can't blame the doctors though for doing what their job instructs them to do, when dealing with a person who is under their BMI. For all you “Need to eat a cheeseburger” people maybe you should stop eating them all and I eat more then you probably do, in fact give me a pitcher of beer then I'm set for the night (My friends are witness to this amazing feat I do accomplish very well). Be jealous but keep your insecurities to yourself cause this skinny bitch ain’t holding them for you anymore. I am a nice beautiful odd ball, but I don’t have to be nice to people who judge me because of my body. Because if it came down to it my body and character are far richer than yours will ever be because you just can’t believe that I exist. I exist, and I am who I am not because of my body but because of the choices that I make. I don’t not have weight issues I have people issues. Just like any girl I complain about my weight but just like any other woman I know my body is normal. I may feel from time to time that I’m not normal and even have people tell me to shut up. But how can I? when you get to complain about how you want to lose weight. I don’t like being called a skinny bitch and you wouldn’t want me to call you a fat cow. So shut up. I have the love the most important people in my life and your opinions are not needed here. Enough about my body leave it alone; it’s just fine without you.

Thank you for the love and support of my Friends and Family.

I run because I love it and need it. Not because I want to look good for you. Plus I want to be able to out run a fresh zombie.

So whether your late in the game or a head of the trend, do it because it makes you healthy <3

-Valerie Kawasaki